Eat Like Your Kids Are Watching

Like most people, I was exposed to diet culture from the get-go. Most of the family members that I grew up watching were perpetually on a diet, or at the very least talking about one. Despite the fact that I was very active and was never considered “overweight”, it absolutely impacted my relationship with food and my body. And it’s a big part of why I am now a dietitian. Looking at how my early-life experiences have guided me to where I am now has been eye-opening, and something that I never really gave much thought to until a few years ago. While I have no hard feelings towards the people that influenced the unhealthy relationship that I had with food and exercise for the majority of my life, I feel strongly that I want better for my own children.

Talking about this subject can be difficult for a number of reasons. First, I don’t want to come off as someone who has all of the answers when it comes to parenting, because let’s be serious, no one does. And second, anytime parenting techniques are critiqued it can lead to feelings of guilt, fear and defensiveness. That is not my intention here either. My hope is that by presenting what I know and what I have observed, I might be able to help spark some different conversations around body image and food, especially with and around our children. While I have gained a wealth of knowledge in my short 2.5 years of being a mom, I have a combination of professional and personal interest in learning more about how I can help guide my children to become competent eaters and accepting of all body sizes, especially when it comes to their own. And also how I can help others navigate the same things for their families.

I am constantly surprised by how bright and intelligent my kids are (yes, my youngest is only 9 months old but I stand by that statement!). I also recognize that I am absolutely biased when it comes to my children as I’m sure most parents are. My daughter is 2.5 years old and just the other day she once again surprised me with her observant nature. My husband had gotten a haircut for the first time in a year (thanks, COVID), so for him to get ready and leave the house for a haircut was out of the ordinary for our daughter, Callie. But as it does, life goes on and we went on with our day. About a week or so later, my husband came into the kitchen wearing the same shirt that he wore when he went to get his haircut. The first thing my daughter said to him was “Daddy, that’s your haircut shirt!”. I suppose not everyone would be impressed by her observation, however my husband didn't even remember that he had worn the shirt to his haircut. Her comment made me realize just how much she is paying attention to even the smallest details.

Each time I witness my daughter learning and noticing new things around her, new words, colors, toys, etc. I think about how easily she is influenced by the world and the people around her. While my husband and I have been adamant about keeping diet culture out of our house as much as possible, we cannot protect our children from being exposed to it. They go to daycare where they interact with other children and adults from different backgrounds, which includes eating meals and snacks together. But I am confident that the more my children are exposed to anti-diet messaging, food and body neutrality, and pressure-free meal times at home, they will have a solid foundation for when they are older and more exposed to those ever-present societal ideals.

You might be wondering what I mean by “anti-diet messaging” and “food and body neutrality”. In simplest terms, it basically means that weight is not seen as something that needs to be changed. It is the belief that all bodies are good bodies, and that variations in body shape and size are simply that - variations. When it comes to talking about food, there are no “good” or “bad” foods. Food is nourishing and vital for survival. It is also fun, tasty, crunchy, spicy, sweet, salty, and everything in between. Food does not need to be earned, and it is not a reward for good behavior or a punishment for poor behavior. And by removing pressure from mealtimes, kids are able to eat the amount of food they need in that moment. There are no mealtime battles to eat “one more bite” or “eat all of your veggies,” which allows children to regulate their eating with their internal hunger and fullness cues rather than rules that we as parents feel should be followed.

According to the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA), “Of elementary school girls (ages 6-12) 40-60% are concerned about their weight or becoming too fat.” I can think of a million things that I want for my daughter and my son to be thinking about in elementary school, and their weight is absolutely not one of them. While I believe the media is a huge contributor to this number, I have also wondered about the impact of what these kids are hearing from those that they look up to. A small study by Schur, Sanders and Steiner evaluated body image and dieting in children between the ages of 8-13 years old.¹ Of all of the children surveyed, 77% heard about dieting from a family member, with over 64% of those family members being their parents. They knew about dieting because these family members were either on a diet or talked about needing to lose weight. The most staggering number from this study (in my opinion) was that half of all of the children expressed that they wanted to weigh less. These were, again, elementary school aged kids. Without directly commenting on their children’s weight or body size, parents’ comments about their own bodies have a profound impact on how their children feel about themselves. If you think about it, the message that they are sending is that there is an extreme importance to have control over something that we have very little control over, despite what mainstream media loves to tell us. It is also sending the message that if someone is in a larger body, that is a problem that needs to be fixed.

I recognize that what I am writing here is not going to change the stigma around weight. It is not going to protect anyone from being bullied for the way they look, or stereotyped because of the size of their body. I know that this is the reality for so many people. I have heard story after story of people experiencing weight stigma at their doctor’s office. And I have experienced this as well with my daughter, albeit not within the healthcare system. As an infant people were calling her “thunder thighs” and commenting about how “there’s no question that she likes to eat.” While these comments may seem benign to some, they can be very triggering and upsetting to others. Luckily for my daughter, she was too young to understand or remember what was said, but as a child who is on the higher end of the weight percentiles, I fear that she is bound to experience these comments again at some point.

So, what can we do? How can we fight back against diet culture and model for our children a healthier relationship with food and our bodies? Simply put, we can change what we do and how we talk around our kids. If you are struggling with chronic dieting, disordered eating or negative body image, reaching out to a professional can help. Addressing the core of the issue is important for overcoming your own struggles. This is important because even if you can change the way you talk about food and your body around your kids, if you are still engaging in disordered eating behaviors or diet rules, they are going to notice. Just as my daughter noticed her dad’s shirt, kids can pick up on whether mom isn’t eating bread or if dad doesn’t have an ice cream cone with the rest of the family.

The point is, we are fighting an uphill battle. Our kids are constantly exposed to diet culture through social media, school, friends, coaches, neighbors, etc. We have a great opportunity to show them that things can be different. We don’t have to make the same mistakes that generations before us made, or fuel the fires of an outdated and damaging model of “health” that our society goes by. We don’t have to get stuck in a vicious cycle of dieting, weight regain, self-hate, and dieting again. So let’s change the way we talk and eat around our kids. Let’s remember that they are sponges, taking in everything we say and filing it away in their developing brains. Let’s be positive role models that don’t give in to the pressures of fitting into the thin ideal. Let’s fight those feelings of guilt when we eat enjoyable foods or when we skip a workout because life is really, really hard. If this resonates with you, I encourage you to explore this topic more, and please reach out for help if you need it!

1. Schur EA, Sanders M, Steiner H. Body dissatisfaction and dieting in young children. Int J Eat Disord. 2000;27(1):74-82.